Building Community Through Hospitality

Connie Cartisano
Oct 4, 2022
7 min read

Updated: Jun 13, 2023

Tip #1: Invite people who will come.

Healthy community makes even the hardest times bearable. Sadly, many of us go through life isolated, lonely. Do we have to put up with that? Why not make our own communities?

Jesus told a story about a man who did just that (Lk 14.16-24).

This guy had a big heart, so he planned a fabulous banquet for his friends. But they didn’t show up. Yikes, what an insult. Excuse after stupid excuse until he gave up and invited unlikely people right off the street. Still not satisfied, he chased down the lost and left-outs of his world. You can bet he was the center of a community after that.

Learn this from the man: The object is to be generous, not coerce people into loving you. In the end, you get both.

Tip #2: Make it about the people, not the event.

Everybody loves a good host. Martha illustrates this point well. (Lk 10.38-42) You know Martha? Her name is synonymous with stressing over unexpected company.

A wealthy householder and a prominent citizen, Martha entertained celebrities. She had her hosting routines down to a science.

We meet her on a day when the celebrity du jour showed up unannounced, entourage and all. Where is Martha? In the kitchen, baking and brewing and bustling. This is no ordinary celeb, so dinner has to be spot on. Her finest hour. He deserves no less. Even with all her servants helping, it’s a massive effort. Learn this from Martha: To honor those who cross your doorstep is the fundamental rule of hospitality.

Tip #3: Master the basics.

To build community, you must learn the basics of hosting. This involves some simple decisions:

Who will you invite?

What type of event will this be?

When will it take place?

Where will you gather?

How will it happen?

Answer these questions, and you have the makings of a great time for all.

Caveat: Do what feels comfortable to you. Otherwise you end up fighting yourself and making the whole thing not worth the trouble.

Let’s look at these in turn.

Tip #4: The guest list matters.

Who will you invite?

If you want community, you need peeps. Fortunately, you know more people than you realize. Friends, neighbors, co-workers, family, church fellows, fellow hobbyists. Technically, you know your doctor and dentist and mechanic.

Also, it’s not unheard of to invite strangers. Welcome newcomers. Introduce across groups. Network.

The “Who” is essential to community, so you have to answer honestly (but not aloud!), Who would you like to get to know better? Who would you choose to spend more time with if you could?

Invite them. Very little ruins a gathering faster than unwelcome guests.

Caveat: Sometimes certain people have to be invited—think family reunions. Being a gracious host gets easier with practice.

Tip #5: Plan an event you will enjoy.

What type of event will this be?

A meal? A game night? A wine-tasting?

A holiday party? A Bible study? A meet-and-greet?

Once you’ve answered the Who question, it’s time to build on what your guests have in common. Discover what interests they share. What do they enjoy? This is a strong basis for community.

So plan an event that appeals to your chosen people. It doesn’t have to be complicated or grand. Often simple is better.

Caveat: Make sure it’s something you also enjoy. If your peeps love beer but you hate how it smells, they’ll have a blast and you’ll be miserable. It’s not about getting people to come. It’s about building community with likeminded people.

Tip #6: Not everyone comes to everything.

When will your gathering take place?

People tend to pack a lot into their days, often to cover their loneliness. This leads to one of hosting’s most frustrating aspects—scheduling. Even when the season dictates—Christmas parties, summer picnics—these tend to be the busiest times. Good luck finding an available time slot. Years ago, my husband and I started an annual Valentine’s party. Partly, it took that long to recover from December. Partly, the dead of winter begs for fun.

So keep in mind when people will be busiest—including the date, the day of the week, the hour(s) of the day, or the night. The farther ahead you plan, the better your chances of getting on their calendar.

In setting the time for your event, include as many guests as you can, of course, but give yourself permission not to accommodate everyone. Should one person’s presence matter particularly, by all means work around their schedule. I planned my wedding for Friday because the musician, a long-time friend, had a show on Saturday.

In reality, if someone can’t make it this time, they probably will the next. Just be sure to invite the no-shows again. If it happens too often, chances are they’re not interested.

Caveat: All the work that goes into hosting can be a blessing to many, or lost on the one who doesn’t come.

Your choice. There is no “perfect time.”

Tip #7: Show them the real you.

Where will you gather?

There’s a growing field of “psychology of place.” It explores what we all know in our souls—location affects us deeply. So take this to heart: The venue for your event is key. Use it well.

The wise host chooses a setting carefully to create the desired feeling or mood. Do you want people to get to know each other? A loud bar doesn’t allow tentative conversation. Do you want an intimate community?

Public spaces work against openness. Activities? Tight space will be a problem.

For many reasons, your home might be your best option.

Here you control the environment. Climate, lighting, furniture, all this contributes to making people feel safe and cared for.

Furthermore, we learn a lot about people from their personal space. If your goal is to build community, consider letting people into yours. You want to be known. Let them see your favorite color, your treasured photos on the mantle, the books on your shelf, the dishes you eat from. What this saves in explaining yourself, more than makes up for your bashfulness.

When you open your home, be neat, but don’t fret over the impression you’ll make. I cannot emphasize this enough. Don’t worry about the “quality” of your home and possessions. Your openness is what matters.

Caveat: You may have good reason not to show people where you live. There are still places that have personal meaning to you. Meet at your favorite restaurant or park, or theirs. Try bonding over a common hobby or interest (think football game or archery range) before inviting them home.

Tip #8: Be intentional.

How will it happen?

Why you are hosting has a lot to do with the hows of the event. This is the practical aspect of planning. It can make or break the experience, for you and your guests.

The best strategy is to be open about your motives. You want these people to be your guests for a reason.

Tell them what it is: Spending time with them. And give them an occasion to do so. “Have you read the new book by so and so? Some people are getting together at my place to discuss it.” Or, “I just got a new kitchen table. Want to help me christen it with a first supper?”

Also, a theme can be helpful, and choosing one is relatively easy. A celebration. A murder mystery. A season opener.

Whatever the occasion, let the theme guide practical issues—invitations, decorations, foods and beverages, activities/games, gifts, how to dress, what to bring, and so forth.

Remember, these are people you want to know better. You already share common interests. So plan your event to facilitate both objectives: people getting acquainted and people doing what they enjoy. Try an ice-breaker. Or make a door prize out of something hobby-related.

Caveat: It’s okay just to invite friends over and treat them to food and drinks and conversation. Building community depends less on elaborate preparations than on how genuine you are.

Tip #9: Start small.

If you’re new to hosting, I suggest you begin slowly. Plan a simple event—have people over to watch a game or smoke a cigar or sit around the pool. Invite just a few, maybe 3-5 people. Provide easy- or no-prep foods like take-out pizza or veggies and dip. Add a few bottled or canned drinks, including water. Plan for an hour or so, but don’t be surprised if they stay longer.

This is exactly the kind of get-together that fosters a willingness to come again. This Spring, we invited our neighbors to a “Pool Is Open” party from 2-6 pm. The last guests left at 10.30 that night. Now they’re talking about a luau!

Tip #10: Make a plan but be flexible.

When I first started hosting, I worked really hard to clean my home, prepare food, make sure everyone knew when and where to be, and what to do when they got there. I kept a mental checklist of all the details so I wouldn’t forget anything. I remember the tension, the fear, of not getting it right. One thing I didn’t do was complain to my guests, or make them feel bad. They were invited because I wanted them in my home.

Which brings us back to Martha. Remember her? Her busyness and stress made her rigid and her guests uncomfortable, the very guests she sought to honor. “Tell Mary to help.” “Don’t you care?“

That’s not the kind of hostess you want to be. That’s not the kind of community you want to build.

So I say, go for it. Create for yourself a strong group of genuine friends. Start by hosting a gathering in your home. Invite a few people and see how it goes. If you love it—and I’m sure you will—do it again. Invite the same guests, or another set. Be open to others who come along. Then try inviting strangers, or ask your guests to invite someone.

You may find yourself entertaining angels unaware.

Or what if that knock is Jesus bringing his Dad over for dinner?

Tip #1: Invite people who will come.

Healthy community makes even the hardest times bearable. Sadly, many of us go through life isolated, lonely. Do we have to put up with that? Why not make our own communities?

Jesus told a story about a man who did just that (Lk 14.16-24).

Learn this from the man: The object is to be generous, not coerce people into loving you. In the end, you get both.

Tip #2: Make it about the people, not the event.

Everybody loves a good host. Martha illustrates this point well. (Lk 10.38-42) You know Martha? Her name is synonymous with stressing over unexpected company.

A wealthy householder and a prominent citizen, Martha entertained celebrities. She had her hosting routines down to a science.

Tip #3: Master the basics.

To build community, you must learn the basics of hosting. This involves some simple decisions:

Who will you invite?

What type of event will this be?

When will it take place?

Where will you gather?

How will it happen?

Answer these questions, and you have the makings of a great time for all.

Caveat: Do what feels comfortable to you. Otherwise you end up fighting yourself and making the whole thing not worth the trouble.

Let’s look at these in turn.

Tip #4: The guest list matters.

Who will you invite?

If you want community, you need peeps. Fortunately, you know more people than you realize. Friends, neighbors, co-workers, family, church fellows, fellow hobbyists. Technically, you know your doctor and dentist and mechanic.

Also, it’s not unheard of to invite strangers. Welcome newcomers. Introduce across groups. Network.

The “Who” is essential to community, so you have to answer honestly (but not aloud!), Who would you like to get to know better? Who would you choose to spend more time with if you could?

Invite them. Very little ruins a gathering faster than unwelcome guests.

Caveat: Sometimes certain people have to be invited—think family reunions. Being a gracious host gets easier with practice.

Tip #5: Plan an event you will enjoy.

What type of event will this be?

A meal? A game night? A wine-tasting?

A holiday party? A Bible study? A meet-and-greet?

Once you’ve answered the Who question, it’s time to build on what your guests have in common. Discover what interests they share. What do they enjoy? This is a strong basis for community.

So plan an event that appeals to your chosen people. It doesn’t have to be complicated or grand. Often simple is better.

Caveat: Make sure it’s something you also enjoy. If your peeps love beer but you hate how it smells, they’ll have a blast and you’ll be miserable. It’s not about getting people to come. It’s about building community with likeminded people.

Tip #6: Not everyone comes to everything.

When will your gathering take place?

So keep in mind when people will be busiest—including the date, the day of the week, the hour(s) of the day, or the night. The farther ahead you plan, the better your chances of getting on their calendar.

In reality, if someone can’t make it this time, they probably will the next. Just be sure to invite the no-shows again. If it happens too often, chances are they’re not interested.

Caveat: All the work that goes into hosting can be a blessing to many, or lost on the one who doesn’t come.

Your choice. There is no “perfect time.”

Tip #7: Show them the real you.

Where will you gather?

There’s a growing field of “psychology of place.” It explores what we all know in our souls—location affects us deeply. So take this to heart: The venue for your event is key. Use it well.

The wise host chooses a setting carefully to create the desired feeling or mood. Do you want people to get to know each other? A loud bar doesn’t allow tentative conversation. Do you want an intimate community?

Public spaces work against openness. Activities? Tight space will be a problem.

For many reasons, your home might be your best option.

Here you control the environment. Climate, lighting, furniture, all this contributes to making people feel safe and cared for.

When you open your home, be neat, but don’t fret over the impression you’ll make. I cannot emphasize this enough. Don’t worry about the “quality” of your home and possessions. Your openness is what matters.

Caveat: You may have good reason not to show people where you live. There are still places that have personal meaning to you. Meet at your favorite restaurant or park, or theirs. Try bonding over a common hobby or interest (think football game or archery range) before inviting them home.

Tip #8: Be intentional.

How will it happen?

Why you are hosting has a lot to do with the hows of the event. This is the practical aspect of planning. It can make or break the experience, for you and your guests.

The best strategy is to be open about your motives. You want these people to be your guests for a reason.

Tell them what it is: Spending time with them. And give them an occasion to do so. “Have you read the new book by so and so? Some people are getting together at my place to discuss it.” Or, “I just got a new kitchen table. Want to help me christen it with a first supper?”

Also, a theme can be helpful, and choosing one is relatively easy. A celebration. A murder mystery. A season opener.

Whatever the occasion, let the theme guide practical issues—invitations, decorations, foods and beverages, activities/games, gifts, how to dress, what to bring, and so forth.

Remember, these are people you want to know better. You already share common interests. So plan your event to facilitate both objectives: people getting acquainted and people doing what they enjoy. Try an ice-breaker. Or make a door prize out of something hobby-related.

Caveat: It’s okay just to invite friends over and treat them to food and drinks and conversation. Building community depends less on elaborate preparations than on how genuine you are.

Tip #9: Start small.

This is exactly the kind of get-together that fosters a willingness to come again. This Spring, we invited our neighbors to a “Pool Is Open” party from 2-6 pm. The last guests left at 10.30 that night. Now they’re talking about a luau!

Tip #10: Make a plan but be flexible.

Which brings us back to Martha. Remember her? Her busyness and stress made her rigid and her guests uncomfortable, the very guests she sought to honor. “Tell Mary to help.” “Don’t you care?“

That’s not the kind of hostess you want to be. That’s not the kind of community you want to build.

You may find yourself entertaining angels unaware.

Or what if that knock is Jesus bringing his Dad over for dinner?

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